im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
