Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I will pee on everything he values.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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