if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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