I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
