You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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