I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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