Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
