Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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