Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
