How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
