I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
