I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
