I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
why do cheetos always look like penises
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
