speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just want nice things and good sex
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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