my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
