census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
