If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
