i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Randomize
