what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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