WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
