i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
‪So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?‬
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
