Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
