Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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