Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
That's how pantless uber rides happen
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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