my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Randomize
