i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
