I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
True strength comes from lack of pants
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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