So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
