Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
