can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
