What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
