One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
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