sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
