I could make wine with my vomit
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
