he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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