In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
