I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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