I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
