I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
