Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
