do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Plan B is the new Plan A
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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