Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
