I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
