I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
