Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
