And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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