i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
