u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
