Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
