Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
