im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
