when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
